The Illuminated
Chapter II
Adam sighed deeply as the digital chirping of his alarm sounded. He wasn’t quite sure why he sighed, it’s not as if he were sleeping anyway. He could smell the coffee from the station’s kitchen brewing down the hall, the new guy up and at ‘em early – per usual.
Adam rolled to his side and sat up, eyes heavy and head pounding from lack of sleep. His mouth felt like sandpaper. He needed to be better at drinking water, his wife kept telling him that.
Adam pulled himself out of bed and he stumbled into the bathroom. He hardly recognized the blue eyes that stared back at him – short blonde hair matted on one side, dark bags under his eyes, and two days of stubble – his passive aggressive way of flipping the bird to his department, who required daily shaving.
Adam shuffled out to the day room, his worn slides slapping the laminate floor with each lazy step. He turned left into the kitchen, stopping by the coffee bar before joining the crew who were already sitting at the table. The light hearted background banter tightened Adam’s jaw as he searched the drawer for his favorite mug.
“Adam! I heard Ed choked as hard as your mom on her wedding night. What happened?”
Adam set down the coffee carafe and turned, looking at Derek, the newly promoted officer sitting at the head of the table.
Adam did not like Derek.
This did not help.
“Eh. He did fine. It was his first time.” Adam mumbled.
“Yeah dude, like your mom on her wedding night. Cheer up, we get to go home. What’s your four looking like?” The crew gave a little chuckle at the second poorly used mom joke.
Adam gave Derek an annoyed frown and ignored the lazy attempt at small talk. He hated small talk. He turned his attention to Eddie, sitting near the far end of the long wooden table.
“Mornin Ed. You get back to sleep?”
Ed looked like shit.
“Nah not really. Mind was racing. I’m going to go stock the bus, can we chat?”
“Sure thing, Ed.”
Adam glanced at the engine crew as Tony, the senior firefighter, gave him a concerned side eye.
The bay was cool and lit by two overhead night lights , the warm sun beginning to peek through the small windows on the bay doors. Adam didn’t reach for the light switch, he hated the harsh fluorescents.
He walked a few paces behind Eddie, towards an ambulance whose doors were already opened, light spilling onto the concrete floor from the dark box.
Ed must have already stocked.
Eddie climbed into the back, sitting on the bench seat adjacent to the stretcher.
Adam put his leg up on the back bumper and took a sip of his coffee.
“What’s up Ed?”
“Adam, I don’t know what happened. I can’t believe I choked like that. If I wasn’t with another paramedic that kid would have died. I couldn’t do it dude.”
“Ed. Relax. That’s exactly what this field internship is for. You literally just got out of Paramedic school, give yourself a break.”
“No I get that, but I just couldn’t do it. I know the landmarks, I know the indications. I couldn’t push the needle into his chest. I just froze.”
Adam sighed.
“Listen Eddie. This was the first big call you’ve gotten here. You are two weeks out of P-school and you’ve been online for what, a year and a half now? You didn’t freeze up because you couldn’t poke the kid. You froze up because you just saw a bunch of teenagers get fucked up. That was a bad call. Was that your first?”
Eddie’s shoulders sagged, he looked like he was going to cry.
“Yeah. I guess. We’ve had some bad accidents down at Station 13, but I’ve never seen anything like that. I’ve never had to do anything like that.”
“Exactly,” Adam said, “ Take it easy on yourself man. That’s not going to be the last call you see like that, but they come few and far between. We aren’t paid for what we do day in and day out – we’re paid to handle shit like that. That’s why we’re here.”
Adam eyed the perfectly stocked shelves and freshly mopped floor.
“Thanks man. What do you do with that stuff? How do you handle it?” Eddie asked, looking up at Adam.
“I push it down, lock it up, and never let that shit see the light of day dude.”
* * *
Adam sat in traffic.
He didn’t just sit in traffic, he seethed in it.
One dumbass not paying attention. One dumbass riding his brakes. One dumbass cutting back and forth between lanes.
Adam’s mind wandered as he observed the vehicles around him, his hands white knuckling the steering wheel of his 2004 Ford Ranger. He sat in silence, as he usually did after a long shift. He didn’t care to self-reflect, he didn’t care to unpack the events of the night, he just did not want to listen to the same 7 songs on repeat.
Thirty-three years old and I’m still sitting in a vehicle with just a CD player and a radio.
He glanced at the radio knob. It would drown out the thoughts that kept trying to poke their way back into his existence.
Adam flicked the radio knob on and began tuning to his favorite hard rock station.
His eyes darted up, foot instinctively smashing the brake.
The tail gate of a lifted Dodge Ram filled his windshield.
His tires screeched as they locked up, his truck fishtailing and the seat belt seized against Adam’s chest.
JESUS CHRIST MAN, COME ON.
Adam sat wild eyed. Accident barely averted, and with a mood now further soured, he absently turned his attention to the radio station the tuner had landed on, an NPR broadcast:
“…with the recent wave of government transparency surrounding unidentified aerial phenomena..”
Adam turned the radio off. He did not have the bandwidth to entertain the thought of UFOs and extraterrestrial life right now. Aliens or not, the world would keep turning and his life would ring with the same monotonous tone it always had.
Turning his attention back to the road, the traffic was finally coming to an end as the four lane highway was funneled down to two by the worn orange Department of Transportation cones. Three vehicles sat on the side of the road, it appeared to be a minor fender bender.
What a waste of time.
* * *
Adam pulled into the driveway of his white, two story, suburban cookie-cutter home. His hands fumbled for the keys as he clicked the ignition off. He sat in silence, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
Images of the night faintly making themselves known.
Adam pushed back against them, forcing himself to tuck them away.
This was a battle Adam was familiar with, one that he…
Adam’s eyes cracked as his red front door swung open. A small human with bright blonde pig tails, baby blue eyes, and a wide toothy grin stood in the doorway, eyes connecting with her daddy.
Chloe ran full speed towards the truck, letting out a squeal of delight.
“Daddy!” Chloe exclaimed.
Adam smiled. Warmth poured back into the cold cavity of his chest.
“Hey baby girl, what are you doing out here?”
“I heard your truck get here and I wanted to give you a hug!”
Adam could see his wife, Sam, leaning in the doorway – green robe hanging on her thin frame, jet black hair a disheveled mess.
“Good morning, Adam.” Sam called, cracking a smile as he climbed out of his truck, legs immediately attacked by Chloe.
Adam patted his daughter’s head, moving her to the side. He reached back in his small truck and grabbed his worn out backpack from the passenger seat, a relic from a different life. Chloe clung to Adam’s leg as he hobbled towards his home, relieved to put another set of work behind him.
Being a father was Adam’s greatest joy in life. He tolerated work and tolerated his monotonous life solely to watch this little bundle of love grow. He gave Sam a flat kiss as he stepped inside, the smell of burnt bacon stinging his nose.
“Mornin’ babe.”
“Morning stranger. How was work?” Sam asked.
“Eh, the usual. Nothing too exciting.”
Adam dropped his backpack, slid off his shoes, and made his way to the kitchen for another round of coffee. He frowned as he noticed the dirty dishes filling the sink and crumbs littering the counter.
“Really?” Adam glanced at Sam.
She did not look up.
“Not right now, Adam.”
Adam shook his head, poured himself a cup of coffee, and went into his living room, letting out a deep sigh of relief as he took a seat beside Chloe.
“I’m going to be just like Sky when I’m older Daddy! She’s my favorite!”
Adam smiled, taking a long pull of the black coffee as he settled in for a morning of Paw Patrol.
* * *
Adam jerked awake. He hadn’t realized he’d dozed off. Footsteps raced down the laminate stairs. A small head peeked through the bannister.
“Daddy’s awake, Mommy!” Chloe screamed.
Adam heaved himself off the couch, his knees cracking and back aching. He made his way upstairs, following the sound of the little footsteps running down the hall.
“We’re going to the park Daddy! Mommy said to give you a break. We’re going to do the slides and the monkey bars. Wanna come?” Chloe’s eyes ablaze with excitement.
Adam chuckled, “I wouldn’t miss it. Just let me rinse off real quick.”
Washing a long 48 hour shift off his body, Adam closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of his daughter’s laughter in the distance. Nothing filled him with joy quite like that little human of his. He’d wanted another. So had Sam, once. Now the conversation never seemed to last more than a few minutes before it dissolved into silence. Another baby felt impossible while she was still struggling to just get through the day.
He’d begged her to talk to someone. To try medication. Therapy. Anything. She always insisted she could fight it herself. Every conversation ended the same way – with Adam feeling helpless and Sam feeling judged.
Adam pushed his thoughts aside and shut off the shower. After drying off and getting dressed, he met his ladies downstairs. Chloe greeted her Dad with a huge smile, her tiny fists pumping up and down as she bounced around with excitement – one of Adam’s favorite little habits of hers.
The Ward family loaded up in the family’s blue minivan, a knee-jerk purchase that held on to the false promise of more tiny feet and tiny fists. Adam loaded Chloe’s pink Stryder bike into the back and they began their short drive a half mile to the park. Normally this would be an enjoyable walk for the Ward’s, but the relentless heat of the Summer seemed to only be getting worse.
Chloe let out a high pitch squeal as the van came to a stop. Adam looked at Sam and they shared a smile. “Pickleball?” Adam asked
“Seems a little warm, doesn’t it?
“You’re just scared to get your ass whooped.”
“Fine. You’re on.” Sam agreed.
The family walked over to the blue and green pickleball courts, the newest addition to one of the many parks the family’s large neighborhood contained. It never ceased to amaze Adam at the quality of the outdoor recreation they had access to. The stereotypical hot-as-hell metal slide, a janky-ass merry go-around, and the off-kilter seesaw of Adam’s childhood felt like ancient relics compared to these new parks.
Sam buckled Chloe’s helmet and sent her pedaling around an unused court. Adam stared through the black chain-link fence at the bone-dry grass. Fire season was getting worse every year, and the thought of another dry winter lingered in the back of his mind like a pebble in his shoe.
A pickleball slapping his calf brought him back to the moment. He smiled and picked up the ball, looking at his wife across the court. She returned the smile and their game began.
* * *
This was a picture perfect day Adam thought to himself, looking across the dining room table at his wife and his daughter. With their bellies full of homemade chicken pot pie, Adam couldn’t help but feel content.
This is what it is supposed to feel like. Hang on to this moment.
The moment.
The here and now.
This is all you ever had in life.
The future was nothing but wishes and worries; the past, longing and regret. Only the now truly existed. Life was just an endless collection of present moments. Adam wished he could share this with Sam, wished he could take that quiet knowing and place it directly into her mind. He knew this happiness wouldn’t last forever – but it was these moments that made all the silent struggles worth it.
The feeling of his weight in the seat, his toes on the ground – this grounded him. The pleasant pitch of his daughter’s voice, telling one of the stories he had heard a thousand times over. The texture of the table, the smell of the meal, the warmth of their home. This is what brought him here, this is what anchored him to the now.
Adam’s eyes met Sam’s.
They smiled.
Everything is going to be okay.
* * *
Adam lay in bed beside Chloe, his voice carrying the sounds of her favorite story through the room. Her pink comforter was tucked all the way up to her chin, a smile of contentment on her face as her eyes got heavy.
Adam painted a scene of a fancy ball, a beautiful gown of yellow lace twirling on the moonlit dance floor. He paused, a painful memory trying to cut its way to the surface.
“What’s wrong Daddy?”
“Nothing honey. Nothing at all.”
Adam finished the story and kissed his daughter on her forehead. He clicked off the table side lamp and made his way to the door.
“Goodnight Daddy. Thank you for a fun day.” Chloe’s sleepy voice music to Adam’s ears.
“Goodnight sweetheart, I love you.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
One bedtime routine complete, Adam crawled in bed beside his wife, embracing her in his arms. It was early, but they were exhausted. Nobody talks about how exhausting it is to put on a happy face, to force out a laugh, to pretend that everything is alright when there are demons in the darkness.
But today – tonight – nothing was forced.
Adam was happy, for the first time in a long time.
Kyle Adams Writes | The Illuminated 